Maybe you have just broken up with your partner. One more relationship...
When you first met it felt as if more than ever, it could work. After all, you learnt your lessons, you had your long list of criteria and butterflies to complete this. You were ready to move in with your cat and dog.
But fast forward, once again, Bridget Jones, it did not work...
So I understand the desperation.
Where do we go wrong? Has someone looked into this? And, could they please offer some pointers as to the obscure rules that govern this minefield? There has to be.
To my surprise someone did take a closer scientific look at the subject: John and Julie Gottman. At last. Their research into relationships has been a game-changer for how we understand what makes love last. Over the past 40 years, their work has focused on what keeps couples connected and what drives them apart. What’s so powerful about their research is that it’s built on real observations of real people. Let me share how they did it and why it matters.
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A Closer Look at Their Work
The Gottmans set up what they called the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. Imagine an apartment-like space where couples came to spend time together while being observed. It wasn’t as clinical as it sounds; they were simply asked to go about their day—having conversations, solving problems, and even relaxing. Cameras and sensors captured their words, body language, and even physiological signs like heart rates and stress levels. These little moments gave the Gottmans incredible insights into what makes or breaks a relationship.
But they didn’t stop there. They followed many of these couples over years, sometimes decades, to see how their relationships evolved.
This long-term approach allowed them to predict, with stunning accuracy (over 90%!), whether a couple would stay together or divorce based on certain behaviours.
I will be looking into this further and this certainly warrants another blog post.
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Why does this Matter?
What I love about their work is how relatable it is. They didn’t just study one type of couple—they worked with people from different cultures, ages, and orientations, making their findings relevant to nearly everyone.
And because their research is based on actual behaviours and patterns, it gives us a clear roadmap for improving our relationships.
Their message is simple yet profound: relationships thrive not through perfection but through small, meaningful actions that build connection and trust. It’s about how we speak to each other, how we handle conflict, and even how we respond to everyday moments.
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Maybe Bridget Jones can finally see the light. So, why not take a page from the Gottmans’ book and reflect on your own relationships? The way you listen, the way you react, and the way you reconnect after disagreements—it all matters. Their work reminds us that love isn’t just something that happens to us; it’s something we actively nurture, one interaction at a time. It's never too early or too late to invest in the love you share.
Who you like to know more about the key behaviours of success or doom they identified? Keep posted and follow my blogs.
And for a deeper insight, you can book your therapy session.
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Steps Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman
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